January 11

A fill-in-the-blanks election success?

first_imgMaybe a lottery would help – With the poor turnout in the recent election (yes, we had one), the Los Angeles City Council has proposed a radical change to draw more voters. “Our elections are just too boring,” said Councilman Dennis Zine. “The people deserve more entertaining choices on the ballot. That’s why I’m proposing that from now on, Los Angeles ballots should be in “Mad Lib” form.” Zine offered some examples: “If _______________ were on the L.A. School Board and Proposition X were passed, the mayor could take over the educational system while sitting on the ________, but only if Ballot Initiative _____ passes providing millions for ________.” Oh, that Ann – Continuing to defend her “faggot” reference in speaking about John Edwards, Ann Coulter admonished Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Peter Pace for his likening homosexuality to adultery. “That’s just plain hate speech,” said the black-cocktail-dress garbed bomb-thrower. “At least I didn’t say that John Edwards was immoral. And, believe me, I certainly wouldn’t have a problem sending him to fight in Iraq.” There are always exceptions, kind of – Pace defended his remarks, saying that while he believes homosexuality is immoral, gays who were wounded or died fighting for America “weren’t as immoral.” Depends on how you look at it – While ex-wives of Republican presidential candidates have formed an organization with membership already in the thousands to fight against their husbands’ candidacy, divorce lawyers all over the nation are hailing Rudy Guiliani’s and potential candidate Newt Gingrich’s contribution to their industry. Not my mistakes, theirs – “Mistakes were made,” said a red-faced Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, describing the recent federal prosecutor firings by the Justice Department that were, in fact, political. “How in the world someone in my office would be sloppy enough to let out the truth is probably our worst mistake.” Hey, he could have been Elizabeth Berkley’s baby – Tori Spelling gave birth to a baby boy Tuesday, and he immediately showed that he’s got his mother’s acting instinct. “The baby tried to cry,” said obstetrician Dr. Paul Imout. “But he was unable to tear up, and so to tear up, he kept telling the nurses who his grandfather was.” Known as Al-Qaida’s No. 3 man – Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has confessed to masterminding the 9-11 attack as well as a plethora of other terrorist actions. “I was responsible for the 9-11 operation from A to Z,” Mohammed said in a statement, “except maybe for Q.” Mohammed told a tribunal that he and his brethren scum tried to plan some atrocity that started with Q, but was stymied by the lack of a good dictionary. Mohammed assured the tribunal that he would never do that “terrorism stuff” again. “Can I go home now?” added the alphabetically challenged mass-murderer. Adopters R Us – After the adoption of a Vietnamese child, actress Angelina Jolie said she doesn’t plan to stop until she adopts the rest of Vietnam. “Not all of Vietnam,” explained the lip- brimming beauty. “Just the south. I don’t want to go crazy. We just don’t have the room. At least not until Brad finishes building the addition.” Depends on what your definition of hypocrisy is – In a radio interview with Focus on the Family founder James Dobson, presumptive Republican presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich has admitted to having an extra-marital affair during the same period he was leading the impeachment battle against President Clinton, but sees no hypocrisy on his part. “Clinton lied to a court. I only lied to my wife,” explained Gingrich while he threw stones from his newly built glass house. Thanks for the laughs, Rich – Comedian Richard Jeni: Funny man. Nicer guy. Steve Young is the author of “Great Failures of the Extremely Successful” (www.greatfailure.com)160Want local news?Sign up for the Localist and stay informed Something went wrong. Please try again.subscribeCongratulations! You’re all set!last_img read more